The Party's Over, Honey

As he hit 19 minutes on the Stairmaster, Sean saw Roy walking along the alley, on the other side of the windows at Thomas Circle Sports Club, heading for the entrance.

Right on time.

A moment later, Roy was standing next to him, still in his coat, pulling off his hat. He was a little pale.

"Hey..." (Sean)

"Hi."

"You're right on time."

"Yeah..." (Roy looked down at his feet.) "I'll go hang up my coat and meet you upstairs."

Sean hopped off the machine about ten seconds after Roy darted into the stairwell, and followed behind. Something was up.

*****

Ken walked out of the Mondrian and into the street. There were tears in his eyes. He didn't really know where he was going. It was cold that night. A really cold night. The first one of the year.

His coat wasn't heavy enough. He really should go back. He said it to himself twice as he bounded forward, his feet not listening to him. He was already rounding the corner and onto 13th Street. The BP station was flying by. Kevin's building across the street was all lit up as usual. Kevin was probably even there. He fumbled for his cell.

And then it hit him in a flash. The first unpleasant flash in a while. It was almost a year ago, he stood in the same spot, and was completely alone. In the cold. They were all inside somewhere, in all different buildings around him on that corner, in lit-up rooms or warm beds doing who knows what.

And Ken was out in the cold, calling Kevin's apartment.

"Hello...?"

"You're in D.C...."

"Ken?"

"Yeah, it's me. Um...how are you?"

"I'm fine, how are you doing? Haven't seen you guys for a while."

"Where were you last?"

"I was in Buenos Aires, actually. Got some rest after a long week in Brazil."

"Sounds good...listen, uh...Can I ask a favor?"

(Kevin took a slight pause, which Ken knew Kevin would take. It was a strange call. Ken never asked for favors. He knew how people thought of him.)

"Sure, if I can help..."

"Can I come up for a sec? I, uh.....I sorta need some...help."

(On the other end of the line, Kevin cringed for a moment. Would this be the moment that Ken showed yet again his life was just one downward spiral after another? Did he want money for drugs? Did he need to hide from some rough character out there looking for him? Would he be zonked out of his head? And immediately Kevin thought, where is Roy? What mess was brewing all this time that he'd been away and then out with his family for Thanksgiving? Is this the usual mess yet again, the one that would never end back here in Logan Circle?)

"Um, sure. Just let me finish something I'm working on...are you at home or...?"

"I'm outside."

(Oh boy, he's high...) "Uhh, okay. Come on up."

Kevin turned to his keyboard again, and looked up to register his frown in the webcam.

Kevin says:
im sorry i have to run

(He watched for Caetano's reaction.)

Caetano says:
porque??
Kevin says:
tenho amigo me esperando...
Caetano says:
:o( ....ok
Kevin says:
we'll talk later maybe, or tomorrow...?
Caetano says:
bom K. i will look for you tomorrow....like u big time.
Kevin says:
:-) OK! beijos!
Caetano says:
bju

(They waved to each other. Caetano was smiling. Then the MSN window closed.)

*****

"Wanna do shoulders and tri's or chest and bi's today?"

"Chest and bi's I guess," Roy answered.

"Boobs and bisexuals it is," Sean said, grinning, and turning towards the bench.

Roy didn't react.

Sean set up the weights for his own set, as Roy looked at his sheet to figure his out. It was only the second time they'd worked out together. Ken didn't go to Thomas Circle. He went to Results. Even though Results was far north of his apartment, and Thomas Circle gym was two blocks away. Kevin and Sean and everyone else went to Thomas Circle. Ken always had to go off on his own.

"Everything okay?" Sean asked as he laid down on the bench.

"Sort of," Roy said, getting into spotting position over him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, uh. I guess....I, um..." (Roy was looking around. It wasn't so busy there. Sean started his set, and Roy bent over a little like he was spotting him.) "I started the meds last week."

"O..h..?"

"Yeah."

"Five.....Si..x.....How you..doing?"

"Okay I, uh...guess."

"....Eight." (Roy lifted the bar off him and set it. They switched places.)

"You feel okay?"

"I feel...different." (Roy laid down on the bench.) "You know? Just.....not like before."

"How so?"

"It's hard to describe." (He put his hands on the bar, but wasn't lifting quite yet.) "Things are sometimes totally normal, then all of a sudden very different without any warning, you know?"

"Hmm."

"I talked to Madison about it the other day. She knew people in L.A. on the meds for a while. She said that when you find the right combination, you learn to live with it like wearing glasses or walking with a bum foot or something. I like her attitude."

"Yeah, she isn't what I'd call a negative person."

(Roy gripped the bar, and Sean lifted it onto his hands for him, showing some extra care.)

"Are things okay with Ken? Has he changed like you worried?"

(Roy was counting out until he reached eight. He did well.)

"They're the same. He's really withdrawn."

"We're in different work sites now, so I never see him anymore." (They switched places again.)

"Well, I can confess something," Roy said. "I did go into his laptop and rifle the cache for any clues about what he's been up to."

"Oh?" (Sean started his second set.)

"Yeah, but there was nothing in there. He hasn't been back on Manhunt like I suspected."

(Sean laughed a bit as he pushed the weights up and grunted.)

"But I don't know what is up with him still, and I'm going to talk to him about it tonight."

"Six....sev.en...ei.gh.t...." (They switched again. Sean was getting warmed up.) "What are you going to say?"

"Well....I guess that I can't really deal with the distance anymore. We don't even seem to connect during sex anymore, it's sort of like we are off in different places..." (Roy gripped the bar again, and Sean lifted it quickly onto his hands before he was ready.) "Ooff..."

Roy struggled with the first one, but no more than usual for a person working out. On the second one, he grimaced, and his eyes shut. He felt something.

And it flashed in front of his eyes. An image of Ken -- his hair, his smile, his green eyes -- looking at him coldly, telling him it was over and he'd met someone else. Roy's body wasting away, his hair falling out. His gut churning. His blood growing poisonous. The world fading from his sight and the air in his nostrils growing heavier and dirty. The feeling that everything was going to suddenly end. His relationship. His strength. His life.

Sean saw Roy's face turning gray, and he grabbed the bar off his hands before it slid over to the left and onto Roy's head. Roy rolled to one side as his eyes set back in his head, and he fell face-first onto the gym floor.

*****

Kevin opened his door, and Clancy ran, barking, to see who was walking in.

Ken stepped hesitantly inside, and rubbed his hands together.

"It's colder out there than I thought it would be."

"Come on in, I put a fire on."

"Great...thanks."

Ken circled around the living room and sat on Kevin's couch. He had an awkward smile on his face. Kevin was cordial, offered him something to drink. He declined. Clancy followed him to the couch and sniffed his shoes and his pants.Kevin sat down on the ottoman opposite him.

Both Kevin and Clancy were clearly curious about what had just walked in.

"Thanks for letting me come up, I don't want to take up your time."

"No, it's okay."

"Well, I'll cut to the chase."

"Okay..."

"I...."

Ken knew he had to be blunt.

"...Look, I know I'm not Mr. Popularity around here. I never was. But I hope I can speak to you in confidence, and I freely admit that I am having a problem and, uh...I really need to..."

Kevin didn't fill the awkward silence. He waited.

"...Need to get some advice from, uh....someone who isn't, you know..."

"Roy --?"

"---A drug addict."

"Oh."

"Yeah.."

Kevin waited again. Ken was looking at the floor. He seemed like he couldn't say something.

"Are you a drug addict?" (Kevin)

Ken looked amazed. His head jerked up. He stared for a moment.

"I think I am."

[Posted: December 5, 2005 ] FEEDBACK PERMALINK

 

 

The Week

The rain started just as they got out of Helder's car in the entrance yard of The Week.

Elaine deployed her umbrella, and she and Kevin hustled over to the valet entrance, while Helder got his claim ticket and handed over his keys.

"Do you see them?" (Kevin)

"Not here." (Elaine)

They walked along side the line and up to the front. Helder caught up with them. They went to Toni at the door.

"Oiee, Elaine..."

She got a two-cheek kiss, and a waist-grab.

"There are two big German boys in there waiting for you..." (Toni, as he tore their tickets and lifted the velvet rope.)

"I guess they're here, huh?" (Kevin)

They walked into the corner entrance of the biggest club in São Paulo, and it was a show night. Kristine W. was on the bill -- not terribly well known, but The Week had quickly become a sort of gay social temple. It almost didn't matter who was doing a show. If there was an event, the boys showed up in massive force. It was a curious development about that city. The gay scene literally exploded overnight. Five years earlier, such nights would not have been common or easily arranged. Promotions would have been strenuous and unsophisticated. But today, Andre Almada was running a club so successful, so central to the gay social weekend in the largest city in the Southern Hemisphere, that he would always have a look of amazement on his face as he walked the floor himself on nights like this.

A giant stage had been built out in the courtyard, next to the pool (where swimming took place on sunny mornings before the club would end its parties around 4 or 5 in the afternoon). A big video screen towered over the stage's temporary outdoor dancefloor, much like a second stage at a music festival. As they looked inside, through the battery of exit doors from the main dancefloor, it was clear that The Week would be packed to its walls that evening.

Kevin took Elaine's umbrella off to the check room while she and Helder went looking for the others in the VIP room (which was also, thankfully, smoke free at Kristine W.'s request).

As soon as they stepped in, she could see Sebastian and Mik at the bar, and Rodrigo sitting between them. She'd met them all in Rio last year, and became good friends with Rodrigo. At least, good friends in the way Elaine made friends. She'd only met him briefly the first time, then had run into him at a club in March with Kevin, and gotten his phone number that evening. He was what Kevin would call a "loosely kept boy" - in that he wasn't exactly a possession of Sebastian's. He didn't have to be 100% faithful, so long as he knew where his bread was ultimately buttered.

Sebastian was German, had a house in Ipanema, worked often in New York for a music label, and didn't ever say much. Rodrigo was from São Paulo -- all his friends still lived there -- and always seemed more alive there. It was a sad truth of gay life in Brazil - much like in America - that there are some boys who become loosely kept as a living, and the ideal situation would be with a keeper who knew how to manage it well. Who paid just enough attention to the kept one's tastes and aspirations, while giving them a sense of order and structure at the same time. Setting rational limits.

It was quite logical to Elaine, albeit a very male construct.

It made Kevin nauseous. He never wanted to discuss it, and wasn't much of a Rodrigo fan.

Helder never mentioned an opinion, but it was clearly not a sort of life that anyone from Minas would consider.

*****

"So what did your email about Ken mean?" Sean asked.

Roy smiled, and didn't say anything.

Halo was packed that Saturday night. Eric and Chris were there. David was home sick with a cold. Sasha had just closed on a new condo in Baltimore which put him "closer to the bars....okay, to the two bars...."

"I think he's pulling away," Roy said, quiet enough for Sean not to hear him. Sean leaned in closer.

"I don't know what to think anymore," Roy said to him.

Meanwhile, Ken was on the line outside Halo, winding down the sidewalk on P Street, trying to get Roy on the phone but it was rolling to voice mail.

*****

They were spread out all over the club.

Kevin was in the pista menor with Helder and his friends Fabiano, Maikon and Joe. They were all feeling it -- and dancing up a storm. Shirts were coming off (it was hot in there) and the crowd was full of smiling kids from all over. No attitude at all. Kevin looked up at one point and saw a kid named Hugo -- yet another Orkutamigo he was seeing in person for the first time. He waved, Hugo waved. It was like seeing a friend, even though they'd never actually met.

"Oh my God," Kevin said into Helder's ear. "There's HotJock!"

And yes -- it was the same Orkut "celebrity" named HotJockBR. His name was Sergio, and he had several full profiles on Orkut, and he was one of those very ubiquitous people in the scene. Easily recognized for a number of reasons -- and clearly, well known by all the cute boys who were into older, bigger men.

"Oh I know him," Fabiano said, slyly -- being one of them...

"I bet you do!!" Joe screeched, and popped him in the arm.

"This is so funny," Kevin said. "It's so Purple Rose of Cairo!"

"He's a good kisser, by the way...." (Fabiano)

They all howled and rubbed Fabiano's head in mock disdain as the music shifted to an old standard, and arms went up in the air, along with the "oba!"s...

Elaine was out on the elevated platform overlooking the main floor, in front of the VIP lounge. She'd said hello to Kristine W. for a moment, who'd just survived cancer and was coming back a third or fourth time. Heavily made up, heavily decked out. She looked tired and energetic at the same time. Clearly not drunk or on anything (unlike Deborah Cox at the e-Joy Moon show at Anhembi). But the poor woman didn't look so great close up.

As Elaine looked out over the crowd, she wondered for a moment what she was doing there. Why she had come all this way to see this show. What was she hoping to make happen this night? The main floor was so packed that no one could move. People were shoving one another. It continued out into the courtyard and onto the second stage. It was in the multitudes in front of her that she realized the intrinsic value of being inside a cocoon of friends at all times in a place like this. Like living in a city as huge and sprawling as São Paulo every day. You would get used to the crowds and the pushing and the shoving, and you'd try to draw in your friends as a shield.

But this was far beyond what Elaine could ever tolerate in a city, day after day. And as she stood on the little VIP platform, looking down on Rodrigo and Zé and their little group hopping up and down and snapping pictures of themselves for their fotologs, she imagined how awful it would be to be down there on the floor.

And yet, she still stood up there and wondered -- what am I doing here?

It could have been a half hour, or two hours - they couldn't tell anymore, they were feeling it so much. And all through the Gabriel & Dresden retrospective on the small dance floor, tucked into a corner of the mega-complex, Kevin and the boys didn't realize how the crowd was halved for a while.

Then Helder looked at his watch -- his pie-eyes trying to focus -- and he saw it was already five o'clock. The show was to start at 4.

"We're missing the show!" he started yelling to everyone -- Kevin, Fabiano, Joe -- and now Hugo, his friend Gui....the ever growing blob of this group that formed like a bundle of cotton candy there in front of the DJ booth.

All sorts of failed attempts to rally them came, and Kevin and Helder decided to venture out to the main floor to see. And they managed to get out to the side of the second stage, right near the main entrance, where they stumbled upon Maikon-- and a whole new gaggle of boys. One or two that either were American or once lived there. All of them in sunglasses, about 5 feet 8 inches tall, shirtless, and high as kites.

They all greeted Kevin and Helder by throwing arms over shoulders, big wet kisses, smiles and hip-wagging. Kevin craned his head to one side and saw on the video screen that Kristine W. was waving to the crowd, surrounded by Andre Almada's fleet of go-go boys. The stage was littered with balloons and confetti, and the thumping beat was winding down as she croaked out "eu te amo, Brazil! Thank you!"

Kevin laughed out loud, as he looked around the tightly-packed landscape.

"We missed it!" (Kevin)

"Yeah..." (Helder)

"And you know what? I don't care!"

"Hahahahahah!"

 

[Posted: November 22, 2005 ] FEEDBACK PERMALINK

 

 

People Burn, Ignite Me

Ken was reading the newspaper at his desk.

It was late on a Friday afternoon, and the week was over. He wasn't in a hurry to go anywhere right away. In fact, he wasn't jittery at all, by any means.

Then, the zap hit him in between glancing at the horoscopes and shifting in his seat. For a flash instant: it hit him and all at once was gone again.

He was HIV-negative.

It was like a puff of air after being held under water for as long as one could bear -- that feeling. It came in tiny bursts now and then. And in those little moments, he felt liberated and free. No more nights of feeling like he was almost out of his body as he'd be laying on his back, legs in the air, in some back seat of a car, or in some ugly kid's college dorm room -- his head throbbing from the agony of wanting more cocaine, and seeing all the numbers from the three and four and five ATM withdrawal receipts in one night, all of them going down and down and down, and laundry strewn around on his floor at home, and bills unopened, voicemails not picked up. It was all gone, like a flushed toilet. Disappeared. It made him feel strong and renewed. And even a little turned on. Ready to go out there with a burst of intense confidence, ready to conquer anything and anyone.

And then he'd think about Roy - the things he'd said to Roy over the summer, the deep, long looks they would send into each other's eyes, letting each other think whatever they wanted to without words. Mending all the soldered and mangled ends inside him, doing whatever it took, instinctively letting go of all feelings to flush down the bad ones with everything else -- clean flush. All the while knowing Roy would think whatever he wanted, putting Ken in all sorts of positions in his mind. Sexual, emotional, it didn't matter. It was a new form of complete surrender, one that didn't involve anonymity or death. But just as familiar. He also would look at Roy and pretend he wasn't HIV-positive. He'd think about how far he could push him in all sorts of ways. To do things for him like making toast in the morning. Or backing off from the emotionality of everything simply by ignoring him when they were alone in the same room. And in bed, Ken knew how to get him intensely aroused -- and then would play around to see how far he could get inside Roy before he said to stop and put on a condom. All at once, Ken saw the threat, the boredom, the way in which the thing with Roy was holding him back -- and then saw how useful it was, keeping him off the internet and off the street, keeping him amused, cared for, loved even. And how whatever Roy turned Ken into in his mind, it was working out so well for them. And this was probably the big punchline behind all relationships.

One instant. As his eyes lulled past the pages of the Style section. At 5:30pm on a Friday afternoon in October, in Washington. At his desk.

It came, and it went. And he turned the page.

*****

Helder, Rafael and Kevin were lined up against the window of Cristallo, and Elaine was across the little cafe table, leaning forward on her elbow and smiling.

The sun was bright and low, warm and rustling over the street. The foot traffic was picking up substantially. Early Friday evening in the spring -- it was in the air around them. The same kind of electricity that came out of a bottomless well of excitement anywhere in the world outside of Washington, it seemed.

Elaine had just said something really funny in Portuguese, yet again surprising them all - including Kevin - at how fast she'd picked up the language. And as they were all laughing -- all three boys lined up and laughing -- it hit Elaine in a flash, like a shock from touching a door knob in winter. That moment of sudden comfort and joy, a sort of spike, when it all comes together -- everyone is there, everyone is chill, everyone is happy at the same level, all at the same moment, and everything is worth it. Everything is good. Everything makes sense.

She looked at Helder -- his adorable mineiro smile that would probably be just as adorable when he turns 60. How great he looked in a tight shirt, relaxed, not at work. And Rafael -- his round nordestino lips and white teeth, and his big, strong arms. His infectious, joking accent. And then she looked at Kevin - how he somehow figured out how to take being the whitest guy on Earth, pale as a ghost, freckly, a bit dorky, and working it like a killer outfit in the right place in the world, and at the right time in his life. And he was decked out all in Brazilian clothes, and his body was starting to bulk up just enough to notice, especially if you'd known him a couple of years. He always had a great smile.

In that instant, Elaine would get everything she'd flown five thousand miles and spent who-knew-how-much money to make it all worthwhile. This was what life was about.

And three hours later, they were on top of the Hotel Unique at Skye -- looking out over the expanse of São Paulo's twinkling skyscrapers in all directions, next to the long wading pool that was changing all sorts of colors, with long-legged women and big, confident boys skipping and lumbering around, saying hi to each other and giving kisses and sipping drinking under the buzzing urban October skies above them. Shuttles were heading back and forth from Congonhas, to and from Rio and beyond. Helicopters. Car horns. Gossip, plans, greetings and goodbyes. They were whirling all around as they sat on lounges and felt wonderful about life.

And then, in a flash, they were walking into Ultralounge at 2am -- just as the drunken women were exiting the club and heading home from their extended happy hour, and the music began to jump from pseudo-samba-house to the pulsing, pounding beat of the opening song of Paulo Ciotti's set. At first, none of them had any idea what it was, maybe a new pirate remix of an old song.

They'd all made it out onto the floor by the time it started. Rodrigo had shown up with his boyfriend and their friends, in from Santa Catarina for the weekend. Kevin was off talking to Rafael's friends who he'd met months earlier, getting a Red Bull for Elaine, and when he got back to her, the track was starting to sound familiar for some reason. Not his favorite track by that old band, but there was something about it that was cool and different, and all the funky kids were coming out onto the floor, too. And he caught Elaine's eye as the vocal started, and they both looked at each other, not saying anything, kind of wondering if they were really hearing what they thought they were hearing.

Indeed - it was a song that no one was supposed to hear for another month or so. They had no idea what it was even called, but after a moment or two, it was unmistakable who was singing it. Somehow, Paulo had gotten his hands on it, much like how Elaine had appeared out of thin air next to Kevin 24 hours earlier. And the bass line was throbbing inside their throats and in their chests, and their smiles spread across their faces.

And in that October instant -- it hit Kevin like the rush that hits your head when the pill kicks in. And he'd had nothing more than a sip of vodka and Sprite. It was like a giant wave off some wild coastline, smashing against you and sweeping you up, and the sand and the sun and the feeling of your skin and your body are all so wonderful. And you're suddenly 16 years old again, and the summer has just begun, and school is out, and you're young, white and free -- and everyone is beautiful, and you're beautiful, and you can live out all your wild fantasies and dreams right there on the floor, with a room packed with hundreds of other dreamers.

And in that instant, everything Kevin ever lived for, since he was a child, once again came together.

[Posted: November 15, 2005 ] FEEDBACK PERMALINK