Insomnia

Elaine wandered slowly down Seventh Avenue, heading toward Times Square and her room at the W.

It was 4am in New York. She was wide awake, with no place special to go. No one was in town, it turned out. Nothing was happening. And for a moment, she took a breath and decided not to care.

The streets were sparsely dotted with people, mostly the denizens of the corners and overhangs. Some loud, drunken tourists. A few hookers. A woman walking a siberian husky.

She pulled her jacket closed and took a drag off her last Marlboro. And just looked up at the lights, and felt small for the first time in a while.

*****

It was just after 3am in Mexico City.

Kevin was wide awake, staring at his laptop screen. No email from Roy.

It had been three full days at that point since they'd spoken. He was beginning to doubt whether expending so much emotion over Roy's situation was going to be worth it.

They'd gotten to the clinic too late to get in that morning. A mere ten minutes. No more slots available.

Roy was too closed up after that. No way to convince him to go to his doctor and just get tested. He could see the fear in his eyes, thinking about getting bad news. Trusting no one, not even his doctor, certainly not his insurance company. Thinking about telling his parents. His sister...

And he just withdrew. Roy got on the Metro, and went to work, and that was it. And while Kevin had heard from Sean, and Chuck, and Matt and Christopher that Roy had been spotted here or there since then, Kevin couldn't get him on the phone. He couldn't tell whether he would go back to the clinic by himself in a few hours, after the sun was up. Kevin had to go on this business trip. He couldn't be there.

So Kevin wondered whether he should care too deeply.

Of course, he cared about his friend. He cared about Roy's health. He hoped -- even prayed -- that Roy would somehow be negative, that he'd dodged a bullet. That they'd all be able to get back to life, to the parties, the trips -- the fun, the laughs.

And he thought about that day, when he'd read about the guy in New York with the supervirus, or whatever it was. He wondered what ever became of it. Who he was. And how the creeping feeling of dread settled over him that day, ending at Dulles Airport, that something bad was settling over their world.

*****

Ken walked up to the door in Bethesda. He'd driven around the block for 15 minutes looking for a parking space before he just decided to park illegally and get out.

He expected he'd only be inside for a short time. Go in, drop trow, get fucked, leave.

It was cold that night.

It was 4am.

He reached into his pocket and fumbled for the lipstick case he'd pilfered from the guy at midnight in Georgetown. There had to be one last bump of coke in there.

He couldn't find it. Maybe he'd left it in the rental car.

He felt a little cramp in his gut. And started wondering if he'd have gas or something. Would screw things up. But fuck it.

He walked up to the door. It was unlocked.

*****

Sean was dreaming about Kevin and Matt, flying a kite together on the beach in Rehoboth, and calling to him to run out and join them.

But he couldn't find his clothes.

 

[Posted: April 5, 2005] FEEDBACK PERMALINK

 

Facing It

Roy drank the little bottle of Evian as fast as he walked up 14th St., heading for the Clinic.

He would always have this awkward routine of nervous energy, learned in the high school hallways of Bucks County: WALK FAST, LOOK DOWN, SIP, WIPE, MAKE STRANGE LITTLE COUGHS TO INDICATE YOU'RE SCARED.

Like Anastasia, he'd later thought. The little princess who coughed when she was scared. "Poor thing," he said once on a dancefloor someplace, "she never got to develop a thick skin, so young..."

But there he was - walking, sipping feverishly. And the cough, which evolved into a full on hack at the corner of 14th and P as he raced north, past the new art space, the brand new section of the Studio Theater, and the giant Storehouse that was just opening across the street. His sukha this time had to be humor. The humor of how life turns out no matter how hard it gets. So he just had to think "drama, art and nice furnishings....."

Roy looked up at the sky. The sun was setting on a very beautiful Friday afternoon, and he was finally facing his situation head-on. He looked as a low cloud in the sky and thought to himself - the next time I see that cloud, my blood will be in a vial, and I will just have to wait.

And he was going to do it alone.

*****

It was something like 27 degrees Celsius in São Paulo that Friday afternoon as Kevin's cab puttered towards Jardins in the heavy rush hour traffic. The sun was baking the street, and smoke was rising from trucks and cars, while some people had their windows rolled down and music playing -- the weekend was here. He'd been on his cell, ringing his room back at Emiliano along the way, but Elaine wasn't answering. Her disco nap was stretching out longer than usual.

He never thought Elaine would say yes to his offer to come along on the business trip. He'd never expected to run into her on the street in the daytime, down on K Street. She looked haggered. No one had seen her in a while, and it wasn't like her to go away for so long. She'd been in New York, she told him over a blended creme at the Starbucks near 16th and K, wandering around with nothing to do, just to clear her head. She wouldn't take her sunglasses off the whole time they talked, but one time when she had to wipe something from her eye, he could see she had dark circles. And being proud, she didn't want to show them.

"No fun in New York?" (Kevin)

"Well, no usual kind of fun."

"No overdoing it?"

"No. I haven't gone clubbing in a while. Just a sort of burn-out period that comes and goes all the time."

"Yeah, I thought that might be the case."

And as they sat there, and she was looking down at her lap that day, Kevin felt sort of odd and uncomfortable. He never had an afternoon Starbucks date with Elaine. He knew her, but he wasn't really a close friend. Elaine never seemed close to anyone, except maybe Roy but even there, he imagined their friendship had all sorts of mystery and unspokenness to it. She was the kind of extrovert that put so much of herself out there on the one hand, but also managed to keep people behind a rope line at the same time.

So that day, Kevin sipped on the last bits of his drink as they sat in silence. And he just mentioned São Paulo, and the Festa Toy that was coming up on Friday night, and that she should probably come with him.

Her reaction was almost businesslike, as if he'd recommended she shift money around in her stock portfolio.

"That's probably a good idea," she said. "I should look into that."

And of all people, she emailed Dane to get his advice. They probably had spoken 10 words to each other in a year. But Dane had, for some reason, become a sort of sage to her at this moment. Like she needed a figure of outstanding steadiness to tell her to go have fun. He sent her the link to the Toy invite which Kevin had shown him, she recognized one of the DJs, and the decision was made.

And so there Kevin was, heading home to Elaine, who was asleep in the bed back in his room. He'd seen the contents of her open suitcase, and it was almost like seeing her naked. All her various outfits and handbags and shoes, all her raw materials gathered in a box. It was the closest he'd ever gotten to her.

*****

Roy stepped inside the Clinic door and got on the long line of men waiting to check in at the front desk for the STD Testing Night.

He gave a furtive look around, as they all did, to see if he recognized anyone. Immediately he was thinking about how to explain his presence on that line, should anyone ask. But immediately after, he thought there was no shame in being responsible. It was right to go and get tested on a regular basis. If anything, gay men in Washington who didn't keep tabs on their situation were the irresponsible ones.

But of course, one couldn't escape the cloud of fear and embarrassment in that hallway. Maybe all of them had as long a journey as he did in getting there that night. He started doing the math -- it was four and a half months since that day with Jack Finney. And he ran down all the weeks in his mind again -- was there a flu or a cold? Did he have a fever one day, or feel tired and sick? Naturally, there were days like that, but it was a long winter and everyone was sick several times and passing it along to each other.

There was no reason to get panicky now. Not after all this time.

The line moved fairly quickly, and he got his clipboard and forms and sat in the waiting area. He filled everything out honestly, including the fact that he'd engaged in "unprotected receptive anal sex while under the influence of drugs." He reflexively giggled to himself -- "If you checked this box, we appreciate your candor and your insurance is now cancelled for life" he muttered to himself.

At that moment he looked up and, at the end of the line, taking his clipboard to a seat in front, was Ken.

And the moment his butt hit the seat, Ken looked up and saw Roy.

And they both looked away immediately. And then looked at each other again.

And neither looked away.

And Ken sighed quickly, like he was trapped into surrendering a feeling of any kind.

"Hi," he said, quietly. "How are you?"

"Oh," Roy said, just as quietly, "I'm okay. Been better."

Ken blinked a few times, clearly shaken. Smirked. And got up and moved over to sit next to Roy.

"I haven't seen you around," Roy said.

"Well...I, you know..."

Roy could see Ken's hands shaking. He didn't look at his face -- that face of maddening contradictions and deception. That human face he always could recognize. That person that might be crumbling much like he was inside. Roy took a long, deep breath, and patted Ken's leg, never looking up to see the tears streaming down that face.

*****

 

-----Original Message-----
From: E [mailto:laineyb4u@aol.com]
Sent: Saturday, April 16, 2005 6:07 AM
To: dane22204@aol.com, sean@clubwhirled.com, royboi68@aol.com
Subject: It's 530am

Kevin and I just got back from Festa Toy here and ok - you were right, i was wrong, kevin hasnt stopped reminding me.... What an adventure - - - - - -It was exactly what I needed!!

We do have such a marvelous life, boys. All sorts of new life, aging life, ending life around us -- one thing I know for sure: in ways that have nothing to do with money, status, marital situation, state of things n America....our lives will certainly meet glorious endings, with deep footprints and grand legacies. how do we do it? how do we hold it together and keep it going? its so funny. if it werent for you guys, i sometimes wonder what would happen to me. so, i humbly bow to you - elaine stands corrected. Xoxoxo Till the next whirl, galera :) when are all you boring farts gonna come along for the fun??

Beijos,
-E

Ps Im in the ilys (il y a or...?) now, so..... "il y a/I love you"

PPS: KEVIN SAYS (AND HAS TO TYPE) HELLO i had to wrest the laptop from her and of course Il y'aussi... ;) Now I gotta get this girl to turn off the music system in here and get in her god damn bed before they bang on the door and kick us out...whats the name of the song? all she wants to do is dance...miss you dane. so claudia, our gang (aka galera, elaine thinks she speaks portuguese now..) and our newest Brazilian female we love - Betina -- all say hi!! and Betina wants to take me to a swinger's club here sometime!! Talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic: do I petition for a sex waiver to have my one hetero experience someday? DISCUSS. I find it curious - but also am deathly afraid of pussy. Vicious circle if there ever was one... xxxxxx -k

 

[Posted: April17, 2005] FEEDBACK PERMALINK

 

São Paulo Afternoon

Kevin woke up to Elaine poking him in the side.

"Hey," she said three times.

He gurgled a little. "Come on," she said, sitting up next to him.

"What time is it?"

"Time to get up."

He looked over by the window. Bright sun was leaking in around the black-out curtains. A helicopter was hovering nearby, possibly landing on the roof. Voices could be heard out in the hall.

Elaine reached across him to pull his cell phone out of its cradle. His Brazil cell phone, the one he'd bought with Lulu a couple years back when they were at Shopping Morumbi, and which they shared depending on who was in São Paulo at one time or another.

She flipped it open and started scrolling through the address book.

"Don't dial the code, just the number..." he said.

"There he is," Elaine said, and hit 'send'.

"Who are you calling?"

"Rodrigo."

He rolled the name around in his head. Rodrigo? The one in his address book? He was the one who Kevin was friends with years ago, who was now dating Paulo Borges and wasn't really talking to him anymore.

Elaine wasn't the type to do childish things like randomly calling people she didn't know.

"Rodrigo?" (Kevin)

"Yeah, from last night..."

Flash. Now he remembered. He'd had his phone in the front mini-pocket of his jeans, which had been designed to hold the average phone, and hold it snugly with that stretchy material that Tufi Duek was using all the time in his jeans.

Which of course meant Elaine had constant access to it throughout the night at Toy.

"Hi there...." (Elaine) "Tudo bom?"

Oh jeez, she doesn't speak Portuguese now...

"Did you put him in my address book?" And then he remembered her yanking it out of his pocket and handing it to this really hot, really tanned guy in an orange tank top (or, out of it, actually...) and white jeans, with a pearly smile to match.

"Onde você é?" (Elaine)

Impressive, Kevin thought. She even speaks incorrect Portuguese like a native...

He sat up in bed, and felt the fog between his ears begin to stir. He couldn't read the tiny digits on the front-display of the phone -- and there are no clocks in the rooms at that hotel -- so he had to get out of the bed.

He realized at that point he was completely naked. It struck him as he saw his flour-white ass flash in the full-length mirror against the side wall next to the giant closet. Elaine never looked, engrossed in her conversation with Rodrigo. As sparing as it was. She was clearly struggling to understand him and reply, which, of course, came off as coy rather than illiterate.

"Você vai aooo......uhhhhhh....eeeeeeeeerrrum..." He wasn't in the room to capture her panicked gaze, so she got up and walked into the bathroom. He was peeing -- and tried to hold the door closed but it was too far from the toilet.

"Talk to him..." (She still was looking only in his eyes as he stood there, in full, unstoppable pee mode...)

"Oi." (Kevin)

"Oiee? Como vai, cara? Tudo bom?"

"Beleza aqui, viu? Desculpa a Elaine, mais ela acha que fala melhor do que ela sabe falar, ok?"

[Laughing] "Tranquilo, cara..."

"E tou fazendo xixi aqui, me desculpa mais...ela entrou no banheiro e me pediu falar com você..."

"Não faz mal," Rodrigo said, with a smile sort of curling its way around his words. "Tá bom falar com você mesmo..."

Kevin's eyebrows arched. Is he flirting with me?

"Sabe quem é?" (Kevin)

"Sei," he replied. "O bonitão com ela na balada ontem, foi?" And he let out this sexy Brazilian laugh that they all must go to school for or something, because they all do it, and they all mean it.

"Eu?? Não foi eu, não..."

"Bom, e ela tá com quantos caras, hein?" His voice now sort of plunged to this deep, rich baritone, almost down to a sort of sexy growl. He was like a peacock throwing all his colors, one at a time. Right there on the phone.

"Uhhhhh..." (Kevin) "...Comigo só..."

"E aí....Era tu..."

Oh Jesus, not the whole southern accent thing now....

He turned around and grabbed a robe off a hanger against the shower wall and threw it on. When he turned to face the door, there she was, looking at him. Expectantly.

"He's talking to me. He wants to know if it was me from last night..."

"Ask him what he's up to, maybe he'll meet us out someplace."

"Where?"

"Anywhere, you know this place. I don't."

"Oi..." (Rodrigo)

"Oi..." (Kevin)

"Does she want to go someplace?" (Rodrigo)

"Cê fala inglês??"

"Yes, I do..." (but in that cute way they say it, it was more like 'yayz I du')

"Oh cool, well then you can talk to her, that is, if she agrees to speak English..."

"No, don't leave yet..." (he didn't speak perfectly, but well enough -- it was cute...)

"Um, OK..."

"So where are you two at this moment?"

"Um, in the hotel."

"Onde foi? Ahhh, Emiliano..."

"Yes, that's right. Conheçe?"

"Conheço, sim. What are you doing today?"

"I don't know.....Elaine, what are we doing today?"

"Shopping, dammit...."

"We're shopping."

"Good, because I love it, too..."

[Whispering] "He loves shopping..." (Kevin)

[Whispering] "Quelle suprise..." (Elaine)

*****

They ambled out of the lobby and into the bathing sunlight. It was really like a dream of a day.

It was 3:30pm.

They walked down Oscar Freire a few blocks, peeking in windows and such. Kevin was continuously dialing Claudia's cell number, but she was notorious for leaving her charger here or there and letting the damn thing die. He expected she was a bit wiped out after the party, but also might be feeling lonely as her kids were away for the weekend.

He left another message to call them. They were shopping.

"I need a coffee," Elaine said, flipping her hair over her ear and adjusting her sunglasses.

"OK, let's stop for one up there."

"Great."

They hurried across Augusta and headed toward Bela Cintra, aka Claudia's corner -- which he always described as "the intersection of Wonderful and Fantastic."

Indeed, the corners of Oscar Freire and Bela Cintra in Jardins featured Giorgio Armani, Bang & Olufsen, Club Chocolate luxury store, Haagen-Daaz and Cristallo -- a taxi stand -- and the flagship store of Forum. It was also a few doors above a clot of beauties: Tiffany, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Versace, Roberto Cavalli, Emporio Armani (and Caffe Armani), and the Fasano Complex --- hotel, restaurant, bistro and Gero.

And Claudia lived right there, at ground zero.

They grabbed the one good table out front that was free at their chosen coffee location. Kevin made eye contact with the waitress in the doorway and she swept over with menus.

"I want a cappucino, a big one..." (Elaine)

"You know 'big' isn't so big here..."

"Yeah, I know. Just need a bump, that's all.."

"Cappucino grande, e um café puro para mim."

"Algo mais?"

"Não, só isso. Obrigado..."

They sat back against the picture window behind them and just watched people go by.

"This is what I love about São Paulo." (Kevin)

"The weather?"

"Well, yeah....but also this. Watch."

And just as he said that, three people were walking by and talking, and all three turned and looked at them sitting there.

Then a guy coming the opposite way, talking on his phone, looked at Kevin, then Elaine, then Kevin again, then Elaine for an extra moment...

Then two gay guys across the street both looked for a long time at them, and one gestured to the other...

Then, they both caught the gaze of two women sitting at a table on the opposite end of the row of tables in front of Cristallo.

"Jesus," Elaine hushed to him. "Either my tits are showing, or we're celebrities and I didn't know it..."

Kevin laughed. He was going to enjoy watching this.

"You really never have been here before..."

"Well, not here. I've been to Rio a million times, but I never really spent any time here."

"And the party last night wasn't really so instructive, because everyone is a movie star in a club..."

"Exactly." (She rooted around in her bag....not for cigarettes, Kevin hoped...)

Just then she looked up and saw two tall, good-looking guys coming towards them, staring.

"Wow, this is really cool," she said, laughing...

"Kevin!" One of them shouted out, but it was more like 'kehw-veeng'.

"Eeeeeeehh, que isso?" Kevin yelled out, standing up. He hugged both of them and gave them each a kiss. But he was looking at the first one the longest.

"Quando você chegou?" (First one, who had incredible green eyes.)

"Ontem de manhã..."

"Tava aqui de ferias ou...?" (second one)

"Trabalho, um pouco. Fiz uma palestra ontem para um cliente, e fomos ao Toy ontem tambem..."

"Ahhhhhhhhh fomos tambem, pô...." (first one, but his voice dropped about two octaves from before)

"Elaine, this is Rafael (first one) and Ronaldo (second one)..."

"Pleased to meet you," Rafael said to her, with a very cute accent - and a great smile. She got up and kissed both of them hello. That was necessary. Brazil is a kissy place.

"Sit down, join us for a coffee..."

"Oh, well, we can't. We are going to look at an apartment in Pinheiros right now."

"How is it going?"

"Well, we hope to find one this weekend. It's getting very stressed."

"Quanto tempo você 'stá 'qui?" (Ronaldo)

"Tou indo embora na quarta."

"Well, you have to meet us, then. What are you doing tonight?"

"We don't know yet. Maybe going out? We'll see..."

"Well, give me your number..."

Kevin and Rafael put each other's numbers into each other's address books, and chatted some more in Portuguese as Elaine and Ronaldo struggled -- as he spoke no English, and she spoke so little Portuguese. But as they struggled, she bummed a cigarette off him, and managed to key into the other conversation. Not knowing what was being said was a way of knowing the subtext of the conversation very well.

They knew each other, but she couldn't tell how well. They were clearly attracted to each other, as both of them straightened up as they talked, and smiled and laughed, and touched each other on the arm as they spoke. But Rafael seemed cagey, at least more so than most guys Kevin usually was attracted to. Kevin, she'd learned well enough, was drawn to people with a very open and positive energy around them. Guys who smiled a lot, and were comfortable everywhere, and weren't afraid of anything in social settings. This guy seemed okay but kinda nervous. But then again, Dane was a total introvert, and she never could figure out that relationship anyway.

After some more niceties, they said their goodbyes, and Kevin and Rafael embraced and kissed each other on the mouth, and as Kevin sat down he sighed through a big smile.

"Ahh, Rafael..."

"Who was that?"

"That...was Rafael."

"I gathered."

"I met him not so long ago. He's a really nice guy."

"Did you have a fling or something?"

"No, never. I mean, we kissed once. For about five wonderful minutes, but it was a really weird situation."

"Well, I'm all ears."

And Kevin told the brief, not-so-torrid story of Rafael. He was someone he met casually, but stayed in touch with over email and instant messenger afterwards, and their conversations grew more intense and full of attraction and romantic overtones. And on a subsequent trip back, they decided to meet up for a night of clubbing with other friends, and there was this sudden, sort of odd distance in Rafael. He was aloof, looked away often, never seemed to click with Kevin anymore. Got cagey but never quite explained. Then, suddenly, at the end of the night after Kevin had long since given up, thinking he wasn't interested in him, Rafael planted a series of long, passionate kisses on him, and wouldn't leave his side the rest of the night until they got back to the hotel, and Rafael merely said good night.

Then, the next day, Rafael reported he had pink eye. It made sense -- he'd been rubbing his eyes at the club all night before. But he didn't seem particularly upset about not seeing Kevin again. And days stretched on, and there was no contact, until the day Kevin was flying back to Washington, Rafael called back. He seemed a little angry Kevin hadn't called him, and said he'd been diagnosed with a viral kind of pink eye, very contagious. Very painful. He was isolated the whole time. Ronaldo, who was his roommate, was sleeping in the living room.

Kevin felt alternately awful and cagey himself after that. He was reminded how difficult it can be to for Brazilians and Americans to read each other properly, and how the 5,000 miles of distance could also put a huge damper on things.

And they never saw each other again until this moment on the street, in front of Cristallo. They both tried to stay in touch before, but it was all very hit-and-miss. Kevin would make overtures, Rafael wouldn't respond in kind. Then Rafael would complain that Kevin had disappeared, and Kevin wouldn't reply until the next day and it was always at a busy, distracted moment, which seemed to put even more distance between them.

"Very interesting," Elaine said. "I'm not going to ask the time frame of all this."

"No need. Regardless of the time frame, it was all ultimately very innocent."

"Perhaps."

"What do you mean?"

"Not for lack of trying..."

"Well...I'm not going to say I was entirely in control of my motives or my intentions at the time we met. But life should never be too planned out."

"Oh? This coming from the person demanding expressions of intent and feelings from Dane?"

"Yes, and he does the best he can."

Kevin lifted the cup to his lips and finished off the coffee.

"As do I," he said.

 

[Posted: April 23, 2005] FEEDBACK PERMALINK

 

If I Was Suddenly Gone, What Then?

Elaine fumbled for her Sidekick as she and Kevin hurried into Frei Caneca.

She had two messages.

From: matt@clubwhirled.com
Sent: Saturday, April 16, 2005 4:33 PM
To: ;;undisclosed recipients
Subject: i got the job

i accepted the last offer. off to nyc. must sell car and rent out condo. any takers? party to follow.

---

From: royboi68@aol.com
Sent: Saturday, April 16, 2005 2:34 PM
To: laineyb4u@aol.com
Subject: RE: It's 530am

i got tested. i ran into ken there, interestingly enough. we had coffee after. i really have to talk to you when you have a chance. say hi to kev. love, me.

"Matt's moving to New York," she said.

"He took the job??"

"Yeah, looks like he'll be making a quick exit, too."

"That's great - did he say when?"

"No, but he's unloading the apartment and the car..."

"Well, we gotta do a party then."

"Hey," she said, "does your cell dial out of Brazil?"

"Um, well you have to use a phone card. I have one, but I don't know how many credits are left on it."

"I'll get another one - could I get one in here?" (They were now standing in front of the O Boticário shop inside the Frei Caneca mall -- the gayest place to shop in Brazil.)

Kevin gave her his card. She sat down on a bench and dialed Roy's number, then the codes.

"Hello?" (Roy)

"Hey, it's me."

"Hey! How are you?"

"We're good. We're just shopping. I got your message, so I'm calling."

"Oh yeah..."

"How was it?"

"Hmm....Well, it was fine. But running into Ken was odd..."

"At least he's being responsible about something..."

Roy sighed hard. So much had happened in the last 24 hours. How could he begin to explain it to her in short, clipped sentences. Who knew how long the battery on that phone would last, or if she'd lose patience, or if Kevin wanted his phone back.

"Thanks so much for calling, E..."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

"Where do I start...?"

"What do you mean?"

"Listen...I wanted you to call right away because there's something I need to tell you."

"You didn't get the results back yet, did you?"

"No, not till next week, but that's not it."

Silence.

"What then?"

"Um...I...." he started to shake.

Silence.

"I lied to you."

Silence.

"About what?"

"About...Jack. About Jack Finney."

"What...?"

"When he fucked me in Paris, we....we didn't use protection."

Silence.

More silence.

"...And I lied to you and said we did."

"Oh jeez, Roy..."

Kevin leaned in, hoping this wasn't about test results. "What's wrong?"

"Well," she said, not letting the moment sink in. "So, you lied. It doesn't change things. Doesn't take away the fact that you're in bad straits, I guess. So anyway..." she was groping for things to say "...Um, I'm...I'm not mad. Don't worry about that."

"I'm so sorry, really. You asked me point blank that night and I lied to you. I was just..."

"It's okay, Roy, just...You don't have to explain..." She felt her stomach knotting up -- just trying to stop him from saying anymore.

"Please don't think I'm a bad friend or anything, please...I really care about you and I want to be honest with you..."

"Roy, it's okay..."

"I really look up to you..." he was starting to cry "...and I value your opinion so much..."

"Hey, Roy, the uh....The phone card is running out..."

""Um...okay..."

"Listen, I'll call from the hotel when we get back, okay?"

Roy said goodbye, but he heard the phone beep and the line went down from Brazil. His face was wet, and he wiped the tears away fast and put the phone down. He wasn't going to cry again.

But he was relieved.

He'd started to wind things backward, and undo the things he'd done wrong that pushed away the people he cared about when he needed them the most.

And Ken's words the night before continued to ring in his head. When they sat across from each other at Bistro du Coin, and were finishing the bottle of wine, and Ken seemed to be opening up every door and every pore.

"I just want to run away," Ken said, sullenly looking down at the table, never looking up to make eye contact with Roy. "I've always just wanted to run away."

"We can't do that. You know that."

"Honestly, I don't know that. Why can't we? Isn't that the way it should be, just keep moving? Keep going? Don't stop anywhere for too long or else you'll get stepped on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't...I don't know what I mean," Ken said. "I just know what I feel. And I want to run away."

And in the quiet of the table after Ken stopped talking, Roy understood. Ken had been running all his life, apparently. From one thing or another, it seemed. It was what he knew. It made perfect sense to Ken.

"Why don't you, then?" Roy asked, gently.

Ken just sat there. He said nothing, just looked at the table.

"What if we've got it?" Ken said a moment later.

"What if we do?"

"Yeah, I mean, what next?"

"Well, I guess we deal with it."

"Deal with it?"

"Yeah, we deal with it. Like everyone else who has it."

"Deal with having a fatal disease? Deal with how we've put bullets in our heads like a couple of fucking idiots?"

"Ken..."

"Seriously -- if you knew half the shit..."

"I don't have to know, Ken."

"Come on, you've been fucking around, haven't you?"

"Not since Paris."

"Oh bull shit, you haven't hooked up since January??"

"No."

"That's a lie, Roy."

"It isn't."

"Come on, I've seen you on Manhunt, Roy..."

"Oh you have??"

"Yes!"

"Well, I'd like to see what you saw because I'm not on there."

Ken was agitated. He felt the bile rising in his throat. This was when he'd start to get nasty. But he had to stop doing that, especially with Roy. He'd already lost his friendship with him, at least it seemed to be lost for a while...

"Ken, this isn't about me, obviously..."

"What does that mean?"

"Why were you so upset at the clinic? Why are you crying about this?"

And for a moment, Ken took a breath, and lost his steam. He didn't snap back. He took another breath, and sighed out nervously. Afraid he'd cry again. Or throw up again.

"Because I fucking killed myself, Roy. I fucking killed myself."

His hands were curling into fists.

"...And I realized that if I dropped dead. If I walked into some strange house in the middle of the night, and somebody dropped me right there, nobody would probably care..."

Roy was confused with the imagery, and the self-pity. But he said nothing. Ken looked like a big abscess waiting to burst, and he knew it was best to let it happen.

"...And when this guy was...when I was hooking up the other night, I was..."

Roy shifted nervously in his seat. Then Ken looked up, and right into Roy's eyes.

"...I was getting my ass fucked bare by some ugly black guy in Bethesda I met off Craig's List, and he was fucking me hard, and the place stank, and I was shoving this coke bumper in my nose and I felt his hands on my neck, and I thought that if he just broke my neck right there, maybe no one would ever even know....And if I died right there, like that, who did I even know anymore who would care...?"

People at a nearby table were fairly obviously eavesdropping.

"...And I just was so tired. I was so god damned tired..."

"It's okay..."

"...So fucking tired. So fucking tired..."

 

[Posted: April 30, 2005] FEEDBACK PERMALINK